Everything I Have

My best bud posted a song for me and it was entitled Goodbye Almost Lover. It was a haunting, heart-breaking song and at some points, and not all fours, it seems applicable to my present situation. Nevertheless, I dont have the energy to post it here yet. Since, first, I dont see myself saying good bye anytime soon. As the reading given to me said, I should rather enjoy the relationship I have with him. To let go and end it now would give me further hurt and frustration in the future. Which I guess is true, since it will be preempting whatever may happen in the future. He is not the perfect man. No one is and I shouldnt envision him as one because he will never be the perfect man. That was what the reading mentioned, and I remembered something related to it--it is not about finding the perfect man but finding the imperfect man perfectly.

With that, I wish to share a song I found so moving and endearing yet heartbreaking at the same time. It is a song that was at all fours whenever he is undergoing something bad in his life and I am there beside him, trying the best companion he needs...

"Everything I Have"

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything... I have

Lesson that I have to quickly learn

Do not let someone be a priority in your life if you're just an option in theirs.

I believe pretty well that I am just an option. What else could I be in this sticky and ugly situation? He doesn't have regard to what I am feeling, admit it or not. He is too clouded by his head that he forgets to recognize the hurt I am feeling and the love I am giving. IF indeed I was a priority in his life, I wouldnt be in this kind of situation. He wouldnt have to deliberate things with himself and entertain the possibility of losing me. I gave him my heart, especially during the times he needed me beside him. If he would just take it away from me and then decide to crush it in the end, then he could have just given me sudden death. How could he have been so selfish? His past relationship could have triggered this possibly, nonetheless, it is no reason for him to vent it out to others. If there should be someone to pay the price with the hurt he undergone, it should have been her and nobody else. It makes me wonder whether she was indeed that kind of a bitch to turn him into something like this. I have let myself love so much a grouch, a monster without utter regard to his surroundings and to the love being given to him. He told me once that he consciously drives away some girls who might be interested at him or something like that. What made me different? He could have just pushed me away just like the others. But he drew me in and now, he consciously I think gives me this treatment--this kind of seduction that is bittersweet and painful. Leading you on and then leaving you blank...

Exchange of heart

It is just a thought but I know it is very much a reality that you can come up with a decision of leaving me behind and dropping me off, without regard to whatever feelings I or we have between us. It is a selfish endeavor and the thought that it is for the best..for the mind must prevail over the heart is bull...because it is without respect to what another can feel. I pray that you will do what's right. I pray that you will not hurt me and throw my love away. Because if you do, my heart will even be more shattered and my life will be a bittersweet symphony. I must do what I ought to do. I will pull myself together and focus on whats ought to be done. My life shouldnt revolve around you now. I have tried my best to do this and I admit that it is hard since just a simple hello brings me back to you. But I have to learn. I have to stand up on my own. I have my self-worth that's a million times over your league--which I most of the time forget because of you. And it is painful..truly painful that in reality, you can resolve to just neglect it. I remember you pointing to me a girl and said that she almost became your girlfriend. Why didnt you end up together? Was it the same episode as us? Well I pity her then since she could have possibly been in my same predicament and shitty proposition. I have to breathe. I have to swim towards the surface and breathe. For once, I want to see you cry because of me. I want you to feel my pain and hurt. Let it eat you for even a day. Let's have an exchange of heart and see if you will fall apart as well.

~@~

One sided love broke the seaside down
And I took it rough when I hit the ground
That you went your way and I went half wild
But girl you'ld understand, if your heart was mine

If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
I'd never wish a lonely heart ungood,
It's not your fault I chose to play the fool
One day may come when you'll be in my shoes,
That your heart will break and you'll feel just like I do
Oh time turns the tables, and soon I'll be able,
To find a new romance
And if you'll remember, my love warm and tender,
Too late for a second chance
If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
If we had an exchange of heart...

Later

This is a favorite song. Does it occur to him that I might as well sing this song to him?

~@~

FRA LIPPO LIPPI : Later 

How could you come with me 
When you knew all along that you had to go

How could you watch me sleep 
So close to you
Pretendin' not to know

How could you memorise my name 
And forget who i am

How could you think 
You're still the same
Believing i can

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later than the sunset
Later that the rain
Later than never to love you again

How could you ask for more
With an innocent smile
Trusting me to stay

How could you close the door
And leave me here
Supposing i'm ok

How could you break down
My disguise
And uncover my fears

How could you look into my eyes
Ignoring my tears

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later that the sunset
Later than the rain
Later than never to love you again
[x2]

Its too late

Gravity

This song is hauntingly heartbreaking. Whenever it plays, my heart hurts and needles seem to poke it...

~@~

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re
everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

~@~

I have been trying to run away from my feelings for the nth time now. Honestly, I am. I kept on trying to kill the feeling, forget about him and leave my tainted heart broken. Nonetheless, like a circuitous course of fate, I keep on coming back to where I left off. It is so hard to let go and forget. It is so hard to kill this feeling. For the time being, I will think it is dead but it is just always an apparent death. It resurrects itself at the instance of new encounters and circumstances that happen between me and him. And I know it may seem that I keep on defending him but what can I do, I just try to understand. Because knowing him, I know he wouldnt want to hurt me maybe not by reason that he loves me but because I am his close friend and I am dear to him.

The other day, during my last exams week, I kept on crying and sobbing because I thought it was over. There was the brink of him realizing how I felt for him or that he made me know that he knows what I felt for him. I thought the friendship was over. We didnt talk for days and it broke me. I was heartbroken. I prayed and said that I will cry my last. After that, I resolved that it will be no more. But my prayer has been unfortunately not been heard for after a few days, talking and seeing him, the feelings resurrected itself and it is not again over...

I dont know why but ever since it has been like this. How cruel fate is to me. That is sometimes what I think and feel. Fate is cruel for it doesnt give me a chance to be truly and genuinely be fully happy.

Love is a choice and not a feeling?

I have heard him say the other day to a common friend of ours that love is a choice and not much of a feeling. His statement made me think about it. Is it truly a choice and not a feeling? It seems that with the statement, its mutually exclusive to either one. I think love is a mix of both. It is both a choice and a feeling. To say that it is a choice along would mean that just because I decide to love someone I would end up truly loving him when there is the possibility of it not being true love at all. And if it is truly a choice solely, then why are there predicaments when people try to just love the people that love them back instead of pursuing the ones they originally felt for? It's crazy because if it is solely and purely a choice, then the number of broken hearts out there would have lessen and mortality rates to a down, which is not happening.

To say that love is a feeling solely is again erroneous for me. Love cannot just exist on feeling alone for it will easily die down. There has to be action and communication of what is felt. Something bottled inside wouldnt easily be known to the other party without words and actions that are truly heartfelt but how this would be transmitted and communicated, that is where the choice should enter. It is a choice when the person who loves decides to go for it and lets go of what he or she feels. It is a choice to express acts of affection and care towards the other or just let the love die inside without it being known. It is a choice of letting it flourished or just die an instant death because of the decision not to get into a relationship.

There are other arguments to say that love isnt solely a choice nor is it a feeling alone. It is wrong to say that love is a choice and not a feeling. It is more proper to say that it is a choice and a feeling. The absence of one wouldnt make the love whole and flourished.

Nonetheless, why would someone like him say that it is a choice? Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. His voice still resonates in my head. Part of it I guess has something to do with his past relationships. Part of it I guess is attributable to his past bitterness. The words coming from him now scares him. Because if he believes truly that it is a choice, then he might choose to not face the music and face me in the end. He might just choose to kill whatever goes on between us as if nothing happened. And even though I am not hoping for anything back from him, I think I would still break and my heart shattered. I pray that he chooses me and take care of my heart and me just like what it should be.