Encouragement

Are memories a choice or are they an automatic integration to one's system, no matter how good or bad they are?

I am just asking because sometimes I know I conscientiously remind myself of the times we've spent together (even as friends or "boylet" as some would say) but more often than not, places and occurences just serve as triggers to well-hidden and hopefully forgotten memories of you.

That aside, I just want to share that I felt like shit just a few hours ago. Maybe I am just adjusting and maybe it is the real world shouting out to me, but it is kind of depressing to think that you are being a letdown. I think we are the same in this department, we don't want to be letdowns to anyone especially to those who expect highly from us. And speaking of which, I really dont want to be a letdown to my current employer who handpicked me above the rest because supposedly, he has high regards to what I have done while being a student. Sometimes I fear not being able to meet his standards and it is quite depressing..no, make that really depressing. And even if he does not say it out loud, I feel he often times become frustrated or disappointed over my boo-boos. And though the same are not that many, because often times, I overcompensate for the tasks handed down to me, those 1-2% faults erase your previous achievements or "good job" comments. Like what some people would say, you are as good as your last job. But then again, maybe I am just frustrated and entertain these thoughts because I hate to disappoint. I hate not to be able to please those people with high expectations of me. In other words, I don't want to fail. But reality check as well. Most likely, you will tell me that we are meant to fail at least one point of our lives right? So what are you going to do about it? Not everyday is Christmas day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you like a conscience stuck in my brain. That is when you once again surface. Your words in the past serve as a constant reminder and halts me before I start sobbing. I totally agree, seriously. But indeed, reminders are there for people who tend to forget and I do forget sometimes especially when emotions flood in...

Good thing I got over quickly the depressing state a while ago. Jump back to my feet. And even if we don't talk that much due to our hectic schedules, I am still thankful because my memory of you still remains in my mind and it seems you are just here beside me, reminding and encouraging me of what I ought to do. Sometimes, it is hurtful to be reminded of you because of the sadness that comes with it but sometimes, it is also helpful and encouraging. It is like I always have you with me, though it may be bittersweet.

Lastly, I want to say I want to see you soon. I miss you my friend. No one compares to the comfort and safety I feel when I am around you...