It has been a while

It has been a long time since I last wrote. It was 2011 and since then, many things have happened. I would like to believe that I have exponentially grown as a woman -- as a person -- because since 2011, I have been a lot of things, done a lot of things, learned a lot of things, and gained so much experience.

As I try to read my previous posts here, I realize that I mainly talked about love, unrequited love to be exact. The memories and circumstances have admittedly been forgotten but seeing the posts I previously had, I think I was under deep shit during those years, the years that I have loved you romantically and that for some unexplainable reason, I was deeply emotionally attached to you. Yes, you. Since the overall theme of this blog is me writing to you, might as well do it again in this new post of mine. You. You would probably not know of this blog's existence or the deepest thoughts and feelings I had before. You, that would probably not feel the exact hell I underwent. How I went through things and how I eventually got over, I cannot really say. Maybe it was the deliberate time and distance apart I have chosen. Maybe it is the things I busied myself with just to move on with my life. Unfortunately however, I think you deliberately and decisively chose to stick to me because until now, we are still close. Until now, you try to build an emotional attachment that I have long thrown away. But in a rope composed of tiny, little strands, there is always that binds me to you. At the same time, you still try -- unwillingly or unwittingly, I don't really know -- to make me feel that I am one of the important people in your life, even candidly sharing that I was one of the main reasons why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you and that it is very important for me to meet your new girlfriend. You even had it in you to tell me of the troubles of your relationship. And while I tell you that it might be wiser to let go, or wiser to think things through, you do not listen and instead dig up a hole that you might not get off anytime soon. While I appreciate the honesty and candidness you afford me as you treat me as your closest friends, and while I wish you would not experience the sort-of hell I have been through before, in a way, I begrudgingly appreciate the things you are currently experiencing.  It does not only give you a taste of your own medicine but it also gives you a new perspective on what you need to do. Maybe it is quite different from what I felt before but the pain, it must be the same. To love and not to feel appreciated. To expect and be treated like a commodity instead. To go over and above the call of duty and still feel inadequate because no matter what you do and give, you are never enough for the person you love because who he/she needs is another and that "another" would never be you.

I remember now. You spent time telling me of your recent squabble and feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Instead of being appreciated, she was angry at you for meddling in her affairs. This, including all her indiscretions, made you question things on your relationship. It is not working and it is screaming at your face and yet you are unsure of what to do. Things are not in your control and you tell me, you love her. You would want to make it work. I told you to think things through. Should the relationship be worth it, then go for it and accept the consequences. But until such answer comes, have some alone time first. But I guess you did not listen because you still went abroad with her. Either that, or what I have always told you: you are taking me for a fool because what you do is different from what you tell me. You tell me of her indiscretions and whatnot. You want to let go, etc. but then I see things proceed differently. It does not make sense. But hey, when did it make sense with you anyway? Reading my previous posts, it seems that nothing changes. Indeed, how you made me feel before was different from what was being said. And now, it is a repeat performance. But then again I am braver now -- I have no feelings for you as I had before -- and told you straightforward about it. Yet you tell me that it is what you say is what I should believe in. I am the only one anyway you are saying these things to. Firstly, why does it have to be me? Can you not tell it to your other close friends? Do you realize the burden you are trying to make me carry again? Secondly, I don't want to believe any further. A man's credibility is tested through his actions. Your actions betray you. I am cautious now and don't want to take the burden you are giving me. I will give you advice, yes, but to take that emotional burden of yours, like what I did before, I cannot. Besides, I am responsible for another person's emotional burdens already and that person is not you. You have lost that privilege in the past. I am unsure of when exactly but you did.

That said and done, I am happier that you are undergoing what you are going through.  Fiction or not. I also chose to be happy with the love being given to me now by my special someone. Admittedly our circumstances for the future is uncertain and I have my own doubts. But it is without a doubt that the love he gives is the love I deserve. Through his love and care, I realized I am worthy of being loved. That I am capable of being loved and adorned. That there is no room for feelings to be toyed with, to be led to uncertainties. And that is enough for me. Whenever I try to ask whether he is the one for me, I still end up crying because the pain of losing him is more painful. I am scared of losing the one person who values me more than his life: a value that never was seen when I loved you. At the same time, let me say that I do love you, to the point of asking myself before, what if there comes a time you realize you love me and tell me about it, would I give you a chance? But I love you in a different way now. I love you as someone who is a friend and someone who gave me a better shot of finding myself. I would like to tell you now that for the past years, maybe even past the last blog entry till now, you have destroyed me. You hurt me and I was not affront. I kept it within me and acted things were okay. But you did. You hurt me tenfold, hundredfold...I have lost count. And in my destruction, I found myself. Made myself better. Hence, without you, I would probably be not the person I am today.