It has been a while

It has been a long time since I last wrote. It was 2011 and since then, many things have happened. I would like to believe that I have exponentially grown as a woman -- as a person -- because since 2011, I have been a lot of things, done a lot of things, learned a lot of things, and gained so much experience.

As I try to read my previous posts here, I realize that I mainly talked about love, unrequited love to be exact. The memories and circumstances have admittedly been forgotten but seeing the posts I previously had, I think I was under deep shit during those years, the years that I have loved you romantically and that for some unexplainable reason, I was deeply emotionally attached to you. Yes, you. Since the overall theme of this blog is me writing to you, might as well do it again in this new post of mine. You. You would probably not know of this blog's existence or the deepest thoughts and feelings I had before. You, that would probably not feel the exact hell I underwent. How I went through things and how I eventually got over, I cannot really say. Maybe it was the deliberate time and distance apart I have chosen. Maybe it is the things I busied myself with just to move on with my life. Unfortunately however, I think you deliberately and decisively chose to stick to me because until now, we are still close. Until now, you try to build an emotional attachment that I have long thrown away. But in a rope composed of tiny, little strands, there is always that binds me to you. At the same time, you still try -- unwillingly or unwittingly, I don't really know -- to make me feel that I am one of the important people in your life, even candidly sharing that I was one of the main reasons why your ex-girlfriend broke up with you and that it is very important for me to meet your new girlfriend. You even had it in you to tell me of the troubles of your relationship. And while I tell you that it might be wiser to let go, or wiser to think things through, you do not listen and instead dig up a hole that you might not get off anytime soon. While I appreciate the honesty and candidness you afford me as you treat me as your closest friends, and while I wish you would not experience the sort-of hell I have been through before, in a way, I begrudgingly appreciate the things you are currently experiencing.  It does not only give you a taste of your own medicine but it also gives you a new perspective on what you need to do. Maybe it is quite different from what I felt before but the pain, it must be the same. To love and not to feel appreciated. To expect and be treated like a commodity instead. To go over and above the call of duty and still feel inadequate because no matter what you do and give, you are never enough for the person you love because who he/she needs is another and that "another" would never be you.

I remember now. You spent time telling me of your recent squabble and feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Instead of being appreciated, she was angry at you for meddling in her affairs. This, including all her indiscretions, made you question things on your relationship. It is not working and it is screaming at your face and yet you are unsure of what to do. Things are not in your control and you tell me, you love her. You would want to make it work. I told you to think things through. Should the relationship be worth it, then go for it and accept the consequences. But until such answer comes, have some alone time first. But I guess you did not listen because you still went abroad with her. Either that, or what I have always told you: you are taking me for a fool because what you do is different from what you tell me. You tell me of her indiscretions and whatnot. You want to let go, etc. but then I see things proceed differently. It does not make sense. But hey, when did it make sense with you anyway? Reading my previous posts, it seems that nothing changes. Indeed, how you made me feel before was different from what was being said. And now, it is a repeat performance. But then again I am braver now -- I have no feelings for you as I had before -- and told you straightforward about it. Yet you tell me that it is what you say is what I should believe in. I am the only one anyway you are saying these things to. Firstly, why does it have to be me? Can you not tell it to your other close friends? Do you realize the burden you are trying to make me carry again? Secondly, I don't want to believe any further. A man's credibility is tested through his actions. Your actions betray you. I am cautious now and don't want to take the burden you are giving me. I will give you advice, yes, but to take that emotional burden of yours, like what I did before, I cannot. Besides, I am responsible for another person's emotional burdens already and that person is not you. You have lost that privilege in the past. I am unsure of when exactly but you did.

That said and done, I am happier that you are undergoing what you are going through.  Fiction or not. I also chose to be happy with the love being given to me now by my special someone. Admittedly our circumstances for the future is uncertain and I have my own doubts. But it is without a doubt that the love he gives is the love I deserve. Through his love and care, I realized I am worthy of being loved. That I am capable of being loved and adorned. That there is no room for feelings to be toyed with, to be led to uncertainties. And that is enough for me. Whenever I try to ask whether he is the one for me, I still end up crying because the pain of losing him is more painful. I am scared of losing the one person who values me more than his life: a value that never was seen when I loved you. At the same time, let me say that I do love you, to the point of asking myself before, what if there comes a time you realize you love me and tell me about it, would I give you a chance? But I love you in a different way now. I love you as someone who is a friend and someone who gave me a better shot of finding myself. I would like to tell you now that for the past years, maybe even past the last blog entry till now, you have destroyed me. You hurt me and I was not affront. I kept it within me and acted things were okay. But you did. You hurt me tenfold, hundredfold...I have lost count. And in my destruction, I found myself. Made myself better. Hence, without you, I would probably be not the person I am today.

Lesson that I have to quickly learn

Do not let someone be a priority in your life if you're just an option in theirs.

I believe pretty well that I am just an option. What else could I be in this sticky and ugly situation? He doesn't have regard to what I am feeling, admit it or not. He is too clouded by his head that he forgets to recognize the hurt I am feeling and the love I am giving. IF indeed I was a priority in his life, I wouldnt be in this kind of situation. He wouldnt have to deliberate things with himself and entertain the possibility of losing me. I gave him my heart, especially during the times he needed me beside him. If he would just take it away from me and then decide to crush it in the end, then he could have just given me sudden death. How could he have been so selfish? His past relationship could have triggered this possibly, nonetheless, it is no reason for him to vent it out to others. If there should be someone to pay the price with the hurt he undergone, it should have been her and nobody else. It makes me wonder whether she was indeed that kind of a bitch to turn him into something like this. I have let myself love so much a grouch, a monster without utter regard to his surroundings and to the love being given to him. He told me once that he consciously drives away some girls who might be interested at him or something like that. What made me different? He could have just pushed me away just like the others. But he drew me in and now, he consciously I think gives me this treatment--this kind of seduction that is bittersweet and painful. Leading you on and then leaving you blank...

Exchange of heart

It is just a thought but I know it is very much a reality that you can come up with a decision of leaving me behind and dropping me off, without regard to whatever feelings I or we have between us. It is a selfish endeavor and the thought that it is for the best..for the mind must prevail over the heart is bull...because it is without respect to what another can feel. I pray that you will do what's right. I pray that you will not hurt me and throw my love away. Because if you do, my heart will even be more shattered and my life will be a bittersweet symphony. I must do what I ought to do. I will pull myself together and focus on whats ought to be done. My life shouldnt revolve around you now. I have tried my best to do this and I admit that it is hard since just a simple hello brings me back to you. But I have to learn. I have to stand up on my own. I have my self-worth that's a million times over your league--which I most of the time forget because of you. And it is painful..truly painful that in reality, you can resolve to just neglect it. I remember you pointing to me a girl and said that she almost became your girlfriend. Why didnt you end up together? Was it the same episode as us? Well I pity her then since she could have possibly been in my same predicament and shitty proposition. I have to breathe. I have to swim towards the surface and breathe. For once, I want to see you cry because of me. I want you to feel my pain and hurt. Let it eat you for even a day. Let's have an exchange of heart and see if you will fall apart as well.

~@~

One sided love broke the seaside down
And I took it rough when I hit the ground
That you went your way and I went half wild
But girl you'ld understand, if your heart was mine

If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
I'd never wish a lonely heart ungood,
It's not your fault I chose to play the fool
One day may come when you'll be in my shoes,
That your heart will break and you'll feel just like I do
Oh time turns the tables, and soon I'll be able,
To find a new romance
And if you'll remember, my love warm and tender,
Too late for a second chance
If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
If we had an exchange of heart...

Later

This is a favorite song. Does it occur to him that I might as well sing this song to him?

~@~

FRA LIPPO LIPPI : Later 

How could you come with me 
When you knew all along that you had to go

How could you watch me sleep 
So close to you
Pretendin' not to know

How could you memorise my name 
And forget who i am

How could you think 
You're still the same
Believing i can

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later than the sunset
Later that the rain
Later than never to love you again

How could you ask for more
With an innocent smile
Trusting me to stay

How could you close the door
And leave me here
Supposing i'm ok

How could you break down
My disguise
And uncover my fears

How could you look into my eyes
Ignoring my tears

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later that the sunset
Later than the rain
Later than never to love you again
[x2]

Its too late

Gravity

This song is hauntingly heartbreaking. Whenever it plays, my heart hurts and needles seem to poke it...

~@~

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re
everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

~@~

I have been trying to run away from my feelings for the nth time now. Honestly, I am. I kept on trying to kill the feeling, forget about him and leave my tainted heart broken. Nonetheless, like a circuitous course of fate, I keep on coming back to where I left off. It is so hard to let go and forget. It is so hard to kill this feeling. For the time being, I will think it is dead but it is just always an apparent death. It resurrects itself at the instance of new encounters and circumstances that happen between me and him. And I know it may seem that I keep on defending him but what can I do, I just try to understand. Because knowing him, I know he wouldnt want to hurt me maybe not by reason that he loves me but because I am his close friend and I am dear to him.

The other day, during my last exams week, I kept on crying and sobbing because I thought it was over. There was the brink of him realizing how I felt for him or that he made me know that he knows what I felt for him. I thought the friendship was over. We didnt talk for days and it broke me. I was heartbroken. I prayed and said that I will cry my last. After that, I resolved that it will be no more. But my prayer has been unfortunately not been heard for after a few days, talking and seeing him, the feelings resurrected itself and it is not again over...

I dont know why but ever since it has been like this. How cruel fate is to me. That is sometimes what I think and feel. Fate is cruel for it doesnt give me a chance to be truly and genuinely be fully happy.

Bittersweet symphony

I was supposed to name this newly-created blog as Bittersweet Symphony but unfortunately, someone already owns the same. In the alternative, I chose Moonlight Nocturne. It's derived or inspired by Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and another classical piece.

I decided to create a new blog site so that whenever I decide to write something down, it will be alright. There would be anonymity still and I wouldnt have to worry about associating me with what I write--no matter how sad or bitter it may be. There would be no room for any apprehensions since I wouldnt be scared of judgment from others. All will be true and I will stay true.

~@~

It has been a few days ever since my semestral break started. I feel quite awkward given the high toxicity levels I just went through. Hopefully, I get my groove back this semestral break and even more, the needed rest I believe I deserve. Good thing since the day after my last exam, I and my other school mates went out of town for a mix of business and pleasure. We had our planning semester with gimmicks on the side. And on the last day, I was able to experience and fulfill one of my life's wishes and that is, to experience scuba diving. It was amazing and I will not trade it for anything else. My family doesnt know I did it since I know that they will probably kill me if I do.

~@~

Going back to my bittersweet symphony title, I intend to post songs in this blog that will reflect on my present state of mind and heart. There are numerous songs out there that reflects one's feelings and emotions. And if there would be one I guess for me today, I will still adopt the song that my best friend dedicated to me. They are songs by Sara Bareilles (?). My best friend said that it is truly applicable to me--especially the song Gravity. I've read the lyrics and I must say, somehow it seems to have been written for me. Nonetheless, the message of the song doesnt affect me. For even though I am hurting and in my mind I tell myself that I shouldnt be hurt, I couldnt stop myself from loving. It feels so bittersweet, the feeling of loving someone is bittersweet. Your heart is filled with a gamut of emotions--from happiness to remorse and sorrow. And yet, whenever negative feelings control you, you cannot just stop. I cannot just stop. I have told myself I will let go and move on and yet nothing happens. I am in a circuitous play, always coming back to him and him alone. Even though I promise I wouldnt do any effort in being there for him and doing things for him, I lose control still and do what I can to make him happy. And its sad because I am becoming a martyr and he might not be really realizing my worth and the things I do for him. But it is also happy because its expressing what I truly feel and the memories of his eyes shining with happiness whenever I show thoughtfulness. It is truly amazing and yet it is perplexing. I dont know honestly where to place myself. I am not asking him anything in exchange but of course, there would always be the need for affirmation and appreciation. And I rather see that he doesnt feel anything for me rather than continue to place me in a circle going round and round--in a limbo where he is undecided if he loves me too or not...