Bittersweet symphony

I was supposed to name this newly-created blog as Bittersweet Symphony but unfortunately, someone already owns the same. In the alternative, I chose Moonlight Nocturne. It's derived or inspired by Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and another classical piece.

I decided to create a new blog site so that whenever I decide to write something down, it will be alright. There would be anonymity still and I wouldnt have to worry about associating me with what I write--no matter how sad or bitter it may be. There would be no room for any apprehensions since I wouldnt be scared of judgment from others. All will be true and I will stay true.

~@~

It has been a few days ever since my semestral break started. I feel quite awkward given the high toxicity levels I just went through. Hopefully, I get my groove back this semestral break and even more, the needed rest I believe I deserve. Good thing since the day after my last exam, I and my other school mates went out of town for a mix of business and pleasure. We had our planning semester with gimmicks on the side. And on the last day, I was able to experience and fulfill one of my life's wishes and that is, to experience scuba diving. It was amazing and I will not trade it for anything else. My family doesnt know I did it since I know that they will probably kill me if I do.

~@~

Going back to my bittersweet symphony title, I intend to post songs in this blog that will reflect on my present state of mind and heart. There are numerous songs out there that reflects one's feelings and emotions. And if there would be one I guess for me today, I will still adopt the song that my best friend dedicated to me. They are songs by Sara Bareilles (?). My best friend said that it is truly applicable to me--especially the song Gravity. I've read the lyrics and I must say, somehow it seems to have been written for me. Nonetheless, the message of the song doesnt affect me. For even though I am hurting and in my mind I tell myself that I shouldnt be hurt, I couldnt stop myself from loving. It feels so bittersweet, the feeling of loving someone is bittersweet. Your heart is filled with a gamut of emotions--from happiness to remorse and sorrow. And yet, whenever negative feelings control you, you cannot just stop. I cannot just stop. I have told myself I will let go and move on and yet nothing happens. I am in a circuitous play, always coming back to him and him alone. Even though I promise I wouldnt do any effort in being there for him and doing things for him, I lose control still and do what I can to make him happy. And its sad because I am becoming a martyr and he might not be really realizing my worth and the things I do for him. But it is also happy because its expressing what I truly feel and the memories of his eyes shining with happiness whenever I show thoughtfulness. It is truly amazing and yet it is perplexing. I dont know honestly where to place myself. I am not asking him anything in exchange but of course, there would always be the need for affirmation and appreciation. And I rather see that he doesnt feel anything for me rather than continue to place me in a circle going round and round--in a limbo where he is undecided if he loves me too or not...