Reality checked in again last night. As much as sometimes your presence in my mind is appreciated, the actuality is I cannot get hold of you anymore and all I would rely on is the fragments of memories I have of you, it's like a persona of you existing inside me. I really cannot say if this is creepy or not but in my mind, you live and breathe.
You may have noticed that I called you last night and like every other instance, you don't answer my call and think it is alright to do so. What is it again, I need to understand that your busy yada yada yada? Anyway, just for you to know since I cannot really say it to you personally, I was crying..no let me rephrase that, I was sobbing last night and I was trying to get in touch with you because I thought I could talk to someone like you but obviously I was wrong. That will not happen even if I wished to be. You are selfish like that. You think you are the busiest and problematic person in the world. Hey, Mr. Atlas, some people have more problems than you and sometimes, your friends need you. Having work loads and office work are not excuses to not answer your phone or reject your calls (which you often do which effing pisses me off). And to top it off, I am the stupidier one because notwithstanding your Atlas-esque personality, I still love you and try to understand. Awwww....NOT!
Okay that rant aside, as I said I was trying to call you because I needed someone to talk to. It was the first time I ran out of the house due to excessive anger, frustration and depression. I wanted to run away and hit my car into something. Either that or just get into a brawl and kill someone. That was how heavy it was for me to deal yesterday. That after a shitty effing day in the office, I am suddenly confronted with a proud and ignominious father who asks me of advice then makes me feel shit afterwards. Why he does that still befuddles me but what I can say for now is that I am frustrated and want to shout at the top of my lungs. Don't ask me if at the end, you will just shut me down and let me eat those foul words of yours. Even if you have raised me as your child you have no fucking right to demean me and make me feel less than a person which I am. You might be my parent but in no way do you have any right to do what you do because if in case it is that pride of yours that is hurting, then talk to me and ask for my help. Do it on your own because even if you are my father, you act like a douche bag and an uneducated bastard. How insensitive and ungrateful you are. You do not even care that I am hurt by what you do that even in my own office, being bombarded with deadlines, I still found time to assist you and this is how I am repayed. Fuck this world if that is the case. I went to church hoping that everything would be better and it did actually until you ruined it more for me. Thanks a lot. You have again showed me how appreciated and helpful I am in other places. You appreciate me?! Who are you kidding? Those who appreciate know how to listen. You don't so shut the hell up and leave me alone...
Somehow I felt relieved my brother accompanied me in the dark and lonely state I was feeling. It was the least I can do after not being able to reach you. Like the dead of night, I was swallowed in darkness as I sat inside my car and wailed to my heart's despair. I really feel hurt. And it did not help that of my shortlist of people I wanted to confide in, my number 1 person was and continuously is unavailable.
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