You Picked Me

Just an update on how I am recently--

The other day I was just sobbing all over the place whenever I am alone. I was hurt due to the fact that I couldn't accept the fact that he still is not over his ex. I inadvertedly discovered something which drastically broke my heart. I was aloof at first but I slowly recovered from it. I am still casual with the person as if nothing happened. I made some thinking after those sobbing episodes, went into therapy c/o my best buds and closest blockmates. I made a resolve then. I will consciously take care of myself now. I will not wait anymore. He is not worth waiting and besides, he tells me that he doesnt want anyone to wait for him. I don't feel any anger towards him. But honestly, my heart was so broken that to have all these resolves, I have turned into a non-believer and cynical at that. I don't want to believe anymore positive about the possibility of moving forward our friendship. As of now, we are close friends. And this song I heard from A Fine Frenzy is not in anyway to say that we are lovers who found each other but a song which symbolizes how we became friends. This song also I dedicate to my close friends out there. We were put into each other lives by fate. I am grateful.

~@~

"You Picked Me"

One, two, three
Counting out the signs we see
The tall buildings
Fading in the distance
Only dots on a map
Four, five, six
The two of us a perfect fit
You're all mine, all mine

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me

So softly
Rain against the windows
And the strong coffee
Warming up my fingers
In this fisherman's house
You got me
Searched the sand
And climbed the tree
And brought me back down

And all I can say
Is you blow me away

Like an apple on a tree
Hiding out behind the leaves
I was difficult to reach
But you picked me
Like a shell upon a beach
Just another pretty piece
I was difficult to see
But you picked me
Yeah you picked me

Is it over?

I just heard this song in the television being sung by a local artist. Interesting lyrics so to speak. If I was the same person as I was then, I could sing this song and dedicate the song to you. But dont know if its unfortunate but it is real, I really dont feel like it anymore. I somehow feel appalled or what-have-you. Oh well..

~@~

Is it over, are you really over him
Is it over, or will you take him back again
If it's over you can let his memory in
Come on over, we'll let our love begin.

You say you can't count the times that he's hurt you
And he's hurt you for the last time
Now you say I'm the one that you're needing
But is the need in your heart or just in your mind.

Is it over, are you really over him
Is it over, or will you take him back again
If it's over you can let his memory in
Come on over, we'll let our love begin.

You know that I'm yours for the asking
If you're really asking, for true love
Words can't express how I want you
Oh, how I want to believe you're giving him up.

But is it over are you really over him
Is it over or will you take him back again
If it's over you can let his memory in
Come on over we'll let our love begin.

Is it over, come on over let our love begin.
Is it over...

Nothing Lasts Forever

One of Maroon 5's songs from their second album. One of the most human songs for me. I dont exactly see myself in the song but the lyrics are melancholy one way or another for me. What do you think?

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Warrior is a child

This song has been one of my favorites. Everytime I hear it and listen to its lyrics, I can see myself in the song. It might be the song for me, who despite the strong personality and hardcore tough attitude I project, deep inside, I am easily hurt and my heart easily torn apart. And as I remember clearly, there are many times wherein I cannot express myself and how I feel even to my closest friends and family. This prompts me then to close my eyes, with tears falling from each one, and pray.

~@~

Warrior is a Child

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

Chorus x2

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child

Sweetest or more appropriate...stupidiest downfall

For you are admittedly my downfall. My green kryptonite.

~@~

"Samson"

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Back To You

I have to admit. There is no day that passes without thinking of you. Almost everything I see reminds me of you and its extra harder especially when I want a moment of peace--a moment in my day when you are not there and I have time for myself alone. But you are selfish. The thought of you is selfish, it doesnt want to leave me. It forever haunts me. And with the memory comes the feeling, the feeling that keeps on grasping hard, fighting hard...just to get out and surface itself. I cannot deny my feelings for you and I kind of feel stupid in a way because I have thrown unconsciously the white flag to you...I guess even long before you have realized that you have won me already. But the battle doesnt end there because even if I knew within myself my heart was taken away, there is still restraint. Dont expect any day soon that I will expose myself even more and tell you what I feel. I am still rational and wise enough not to do that stupid thing. I wont tell you that I love you. I still have my self-control. You have to make the first move. I am not going to make myself susceptible to more hurt and more pain and more taking for granted, just like before. No my dear. And even though our situation makes it harder for me, it just means that I have to fight harder. Hold the fort stronger than ever. It is bittersweet. You and I, we are bittersweet. I have said earlier, everything reminds me of you. Show me something. Tell me something. And your name will tag along. Blame it to the memories we have of each other. Blame it to the first experiences of many things that you and me were together at. And even though I want to clear myself of you, that would be difficult. It is difficult because I am always back at you...

~@~

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
Over you
Something about you
It's just the way you move
The way you move me

Oh, I'm so good at forgetting
And I quit every game I play
But forgive me, love
I can't turn and walk away
This way

Back to you
It always comes around
Back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
With your silhouette

Oh, should have smiled in that picture
If it's the last that I'll see of you
It's the least that you
Could not do

Leave the light on,
I'll never give up on you,
Leave the light on,
For me too, for me too

Yeah...

Back to me
I know that it comes
Back to me
Doesn't it scare you
Your will is not as strong
As it used to be

Everything I Have

My best bud posted a song for me and it was entitled Goodbye Almost Lover. It was a haunting, heart-breaking song and at some points, and not all fours, it seems applicable to my present situation. Nevertheless, I dont have the energy to post it here yet. Since, first, I dont see myself saying good bye anytime soon. As the reading given to me said, I should rather enjoy the relationship I have with him. To let go and end it now would give me further hurt and frustration in the future. Which I guess is true, since it will be preempting whatever may happen in the future. He is not the perfect man. No one is and I shouldnt envision him as one because he will never be the perfect man. That was what the reading mentioned, and I remembered something related to it--it is not about finding the perfect man but finding the imperfect man perfectly.

With that, I wish to share a song I found so moving and endearing yet heartbreaking at the same time. It is a song that was at all fours whenever he is undergoing something bad in his life and I am there beside him, trying the best companion he needs...

"Everything I Have"

I feel like I never measure up to who you see
Sometimes I think I can't give you all the love you need
You keep changing everyday
Amazing me in everyway.

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I never dreamed I could ever feel the way I do
I hope and pray I will always be enough for you
I can only do my best
I have to trust you with the rest

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything I have

I promise I will hold you through the changes and fears
When life seems unclear
And when I can't be right there with you
I know there's angels by your side

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything

If I could be the perfect man in your eyes
I would give all I'm worth to be a part of your life
I could promise the world but it's out of my hands
I can only give you everything... I have

Lesson that I have to quickly learn

Do not let someone be a priority in your life if you're just an option in theirs.

I believe pretty well that I am just an option. What else could I be in this sticky and ugly situation? He doesn't have regard to what I am feeling, admit it or not. He is too clouded by his head that he forgets to recognize the hurt I am feeling and the love I am giving. IF indeed I was a priority in his life, I wouldnt be in this kind of situation. He wouldnt have to deliberate things with himself and entertain the possibility of losing me. I gave him my heart, especially during the times he needed me beside him. If he would just take it away from me and then decide to crush it in the end, then he could have just given me sudden death. How could he have been so selfish? His past relationship could have triggered this possibly, nonetheless, it is no reason for him to vent it out to others. If there should be someone to pay the price with the hurt he undergone, it should have been her and nobody else. It makes me wonder whether she was indeed that kind of a bitch to turn him into something like this. I have let myself love so much a grouch, a monster without utter regard to his surroundings and to the love being given to him. He told me once that he consciously drives away some girls who might be interested at him or something like that. What made me different? He could have just pushed me away just like the others. But he drew me in and now, he consciously I think gives me this treatment--this kind of seduction that is bittersweet and painful. Leading you on and then leaving you blank...

When I Look At The Sky

When it rains it pours and opens doors
that flood the floors we thought would always
keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn’t say
that caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
we didn’t have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
to see me over everything
that life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
that will ever know me
there you are to show me

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky
something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

Exchange of heart

It is just a thought but I know it is very much a reality that you can come up with a decision of leaving me behind and dropping me off, without regard to whatever feelings I or we have between us. It is a selfish endeavor and the thought that it is for the best..for the mind must prevail over the heart is bull...because it is without respect to what another can feel. I pray that you will do what's right. I pray that you will not hurt me and throw my love away. Because if you do, my heart will even be more shattered and my life will be a bittersweet symphony. I must do what I ought to do. I will pull myself together and focus on whats ought to be done. My life shouldnt revolve around you now. I have tried my best to do this and I admit that it is hard since just a simple hello brings me back to you. But I have to learn. I have to stand up on my own. I have my self-worth that's a million times over your league--which I most of the time forget because of you. And it is painful..truly painful that in reality, you can resolve to just neglect it. I remember you pointing to me a girl and said that she almost became your girlfriend. Why didnt you end up together? Was it the same episode as us? Well I pity her then since she could have possibly been in my same predicament and shitty proposition. I have to breathe. I have to swim towards the surface and breathe. For once, I want to see you cry because of me. I want you to feel my pain and hurt. Let it eat you for even a day. Let's have an exchange of heart and see if you will fall apart as well.

~@~

One sided love broke the seaside down
And I took it rough when I hit the ground
That you went your way and I went half wild
But girl you'ld understand, if your heart was mine

If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
I'd never wish a lonely heart ungood,
It's not your fault I chose to play the fool
One day may come when you'll be in my shoes,
That your heart will break and you'll feel just like I do
Oh time turns the tables, and soon I'll be able,
To find a new romance
And if you'll remember, my love warm and tender,
Too late for a second chance
If we had an exchange of heart,
Then you'ld know why I fell apart
You'ld feel the pain
When the memories start
If we had an exchange of heart
If we had an exchange of heart...

Jenny

If he could be a girl..this would be him...

~@~

The Click Five - Jenny lyrics

She calls me baby,
Then she won't call me,
Says she adores me,
And then ignores me.

Jenny...
What's the problem?

She keeps her distance,
And sits on fences,
Puts up resistance,
And builds defenses.

Jenny...
What's the problem?

You leave me hanging on the line,
Everytime you change your mind.

Chorus:

First you say you won't,
Then you say you will,
You keep me hanging on,
And we're not moving on,

We're standing still jenny,
You've got me on my knees,
Jenny...
It's killing me.

2nd verse

She needs her own space,
She's playing mind games,
Ends up at my place,
Saying that she's changed.

Jenny...
What's the problem?

I'm trying to read between the lines,
You got me going out of my mind.

Chorus:

First you say you won't,
Then you say you will,
You keep me hanging on,
And we're not moving on.

We're standing still jenny,
You've got me on my knees,

Jennnnny...
It's killing me...
It's killing me...
It's killing me...

Jennnnny...

First you say you won't,
Then you say you will,
You keep me hanging on,
And we're not moving on.

We're standing still jenny,
You've got me on my knees,

Jenny...
First you say you won't,
Then you say you will,
You keep me hanging on,
And we're not moving.

We're standing still jenny,
You've got me on my knees,

Jenny...
It's killing me...
It's killing me...

Later

This is a favorite song. Does it occur to him that I might as well sing this song to him?

~@~

FRA LIPPO LIPPI : Later 

How could you come with me 
When you knew all along that you had to go

How could you watch me sleep 
So close to you
Pretendin' not to know

How could you memorise my name 
And forget who i am

How could you think 
You're still the same
Believing i can

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later than the sunset
Later that the rain
Later than never to love you again

How could you ask for more
With an innocent smile
Trusting me to stay

How could you close the door
And leave me here
Supposing i'm ok

How could you break down
My disguise
And uncover my fears

How could you look into my eyes
Ignoring my tears

It's too late to start pretending
It's too late for a new beginning
Later that the sunset
Later than the rain
Later than never to love you again
[x2]

Its too late

Gravity

This song is hauntingly heartbreaking. Whenever it plays, my heart hurts and needles seem to poke it...

~@~

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re
everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

~@~

I have been trying to run away from my feelings for the nth time now. Honestly, I am. I kept on trying to kill the feeling, forget about him and leave my tainted heart broken. Nonetheless, like a circuitous course of fate, I keep on coming back to where I left off. It is so hard to let go and forget. It is so hard to kill this feeling. For the time being, I will think it is dead but it is just always an apparent death. It resurrects itself at the instance of new encounters and circumstances that happen between me and him. And I know it may seem that I keep on defending him but what can I do, I just try to understand. Because knowing him, I know he wouldnt want to hurt me maybe not by reason that he loves me but because I am his close friend and I am dear to him.

The other day, during my last exams week, I kept on crying and sobbing because I thought it was over. There was the brink of him realizing how I felt for him or that he made me know that he knows what I felt for him. I thought the friendship was over. We didnt talk for days and it broke me. I was heartbroken. I prayed and said that I will cry my last. After that, I resolved that it will be no more. But my prayer has been unfortunately not been heard for after a few days, talking and seeing him, the feelings resurrected itself and it is not again over...

I dont know why but ever since it has been like this. How cruel fate is to me. That is sometimes what I think and feel. Fate is cruel for it doesnt give me a chance to be truly and genuinely be fully happy.

Love is a choice and not a feeling?

I have heard him say the other day to a common friend of ours that love is a choice and not much of a feeling. His statement made me think about it. Is it truly a choice and not a feeling? It seems that with the statement, its mutually exclusive to either one. I think love is a mix of both. It is both a choice and a feeling. To say that it is a choice along would mean that just because I decide to love someone I would end up truly loving him when there is the possibility of it not being true love at all. And if it is truly a choice solely, then why are there predicaments when people try to just love the people that love them back instead of pursuing the ones they originally felt for? It's crazy because if it is solely and purely a choice, then the number of broken hearts out there would have lessen and mortality rates to a down, which is not happening.

To say that love is a feeling solely is again erroneous for me. Love cannot just exist on feeling alone for it will easily die down. There has to be action and communication of what is felt. Something bottled inside wouldnt easily be known to the other party without words and actions that are truly heartfelt but how this would be transmitted and communicated, that is where the choice should enter. It is a choice when the person who loves decides to go for it and lets go of what he or she feels. It is a choice to express acts of affection and care towards the other or just let the love die inside without it being known. It is a choice of letting it flourished or just die an instant death because of the decision not to get into a relationship.

There are other arguments to say that love isnt solely a choice nor is it a feeling alone. It is wrong to say that love is a choice and not a feeling. It is more proper to say that it is a choice and a feeling. The absence of one wouldnt make the love whole and flourished.

Nonetheless, why would someone like him say that it is a choice? Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. His voice still resonates in my head. Part of it I guess has something to do with his past relationships. Part of it I guess is attributable to his past bitterness. The words coming from him now scares him. Because if he believes truly that it is a choice, then he might choose to not face the music and face me in the end. He might just choose to kill whatever goes on between us as if nothing happened. And even though I am not hoping for anything back from him, I think I would still break and my heart shattered. I pray that he chooses me and take care of my heart and me just like what it should be.

Bittersweet symphony

I was supposed to name this newly-created blog as Bittersweet Symphony but unfortunately, someone already owns the same. In the alternative, I chose Moonlight Nocturne. It's derived or inspired by Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and another classical piece.

I decided to create a new blog site so that whenever I decide to write something down, it will be alright. There would be anonymity still and I wouldnt have to worry about associating me with what I write--no matter how sad or bitter it may be. There would be no room for any apprehensions since I wouldnt be scared of judgment from others. All will be true and I will stay true.

~@~

It has been a few days ever since my semestral break started. I feel quite awkward given the high toxicity levels I just went through. Hopefully, I get my groove back this semestral break and even more, the needed rest I believe I deserve. Good thing since the day after my last exam, I and my other school mates went out of town for a mix of business and pleasure. We had our planning semester with gimmicks on the side. And on the last day, I was able to experience and fulfill one of my life's wishes and that is, to experience scuba diving. It was amazing and I will not trade it for anything else. My family doesnt know I did it since I know that they will probably kill me if I do.

~@~

Going back to my bittersweet symphony title, I intend to post songs in this blog that will reflect on my present state of mind and heart. There are numerous songs out there that reflects one's feelings and emotions. And if there would be one I guess for me today, I will still adopt the song that my best friend dedicated to me. They are songs by Sara Bareilles (?). My best friend said that it is truly applicable to me--especially the song Gravity. I've read the lyrics and I must say, somehow it seems to have been written for me. Nonetheless, the message of the song doesnt affect me. For even though I am hurting and in my mind I tell myself that I shouldnt be hurt, I couldnt stop myself from loving. It feels so bittersweet, the feeling of loving someone is bittersweet. Your heart is filled with a gamut of emotions--from happiness to remorse and sorrow. And yet, whenever negative feelings control you, you cannot just stop. I cannot just stop. I have told myself I will let go and move on and yet nothing happens. I am in a circuitous play, always coming back to him and him alone. Even though I promise I wouldnt do any effort in being there for him and doing things for him, I lose control still and do what I can to make him happy. And its sad because I am becoming a martyr and he might not be really realizing my worth and the things I do for him. But it is also happy because its expressing what I truly feel and the memories of his eyes shining with happiness whenever I show thoughtfulness. It is truly amazing and yet it is perplexing. I dont know honestly where to place myself. I am not asking him anything in exchange but of course, there would always be the need for affirmation and appreciation. And I rather see that he doesnt feel anything for me rather than continue to place me in a circle going round and round--in a limbo where he is undecided if he loves me too or not...