Gravity

This song is hauntingly heartbreaking. Whenever it plays, my heart hurts and needles seem to poke it...

~@~

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do
I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I’m supposed to be.
But you’re on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you’re
everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you’re neither friend nor foe though I can’t seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you’re keeping me down.

~@~

I have been trying to run away from my feelings for the nth time now. Honestly, I am. I kept on trying to kill the feeling, forget about him and leave my tainted heart broken. Nonetheless, like a circuitous course of fate, I keep on coming back to where I left off. It is so hard to let go and forget. It is so hard to kill this feeling. For the time being, I will think it is dead but it is just always an apparent death. It resurrects itself at the instance of new encounters and circumstances that happen between me and him. And I know it may seem that I keep on defending him but what can I do, I just try to understand. Because knowing him, I know he wouldnt want to hurt me maybe not by reason that he loves me but because I am his close friend and I am dear to him.

The other day, during my last exams week, I kept on crying and sobbing because I thought it was over. There was the brink of him realizing how I felt for him or that he made me know that he knows what I felt for him. I thought the friendship was over. We didnt talk for days and it broke me. I was heartbroken. I prayed and said that I will cry my last. After that, I resolved that it will be no more. But my prayer has been unfortunately not been heard for after a few days, talking and seeing him, the feelings resurrected itself and it is not again over...

I dont know why but ever since it has been like this. How cruel fate is to me. That is sometimes what I think and feel. Fate is cruel for it doesnt give me a chance to be truly and genuinely be fully happy.

Love is a choice and not a feeling?

I have heard him say the other day to a common friend of ours that love is a choice and not much of a feeling. His statement made me think about it. Is it truly a choice and not a feeling? It seems that with the statement, its mutually exclusive to either one. I think love is a mix of both. It is both a choice and a feeling. To say that it is a choice along would mean that just because I decide to love someone I would end up truly loving him when there is the possibility of it not being true love at all. And if it is truly a choice solely, then why are there predicaments when people try to just love the people that love them back instead of pursuing the ones they originally felt for? It's crazy because if it is solely and purely a choice, then the number of broken hearts out there would have lessen and mortality rates to a down, which is not happening.

To say that love is a feeling solely is again erroneous for me. Love cannot just exist on feeling alone for it will easily die down. There has to be action and communication of what is felt. Something bottled inside wouldnt easily be known to the other party without words and actions that are truly heartfelt but how this would be transmitted and communicated, that is where the choice should enter. It is a choice when the person who loves decides to go for it and lets go of what he or she feels. It is a choice to express acts of affection and care towards the other or just let the love die inside without it being known. It is a choice of letting it flourished or just die an instant death because of the decision not to get into a relationship.

There are other arguments to say that love isnt solely a choice nor is it a feeling alone. It is wrong to say that love is a choice and not a feeling. It is more proper to say that it is a choice and a feeling. The absence of one wouldnt make the love whole and flourished.

Nonetheless, why would someone like him say that it is a choice? Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. His voice still resonates in my head. Part of it I guess has something to do with his past relationships. Part of it I guess is attributable to his past bitterness. The words coming from him now scares him. Because if he believes truly that it is a choice, then he might choose to not face the music and face me in the end. He might just choose to kill whatever goes on between us as if nothing happened. And even though I am not hoping for anything back from him, I think I would still break and my heart shattered. I pray that he chooses me and take care of my heart and me just like what it should be.

Bittersweet symphony

I was supposed to name this newly-created blog as Bittersweet Symphony but unfortunately, someone already owns the same. In the alternative, I chose Moonlight Nocturne. It's derived or inspired by Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and another classical piece.

I decided to create a new blog site so that whenever I decide to write something down, it will be alright. There would be anonymity still and I wouldnt have to worry about associating me with what I write--no matter how sad or bitter it may be. There would be no room for any apprehensions since I wouldnt be scared of judgment from others. All will be true and I will stay true.

~@~

It has been a few days ever since my semestral break started. I feel quite awkward given the high toxicity levels I just went through. Hopefully, I get my groove back this semestral break and even more, the needed rest I believe I deserve. Good thing since the day after my last exam, I and my other school mates went out of town for a mix of business and pleasure. We had our planning semester with gimmicks on the side. And on the last day, I was able to experience and fulfill one of my life's wishes and that is, to experience scuba diving. It was amazing and I will not trade it for anything else. My family doesnt know I did it since I know that they will probably kill me if I do.

~@~

Going back to my bittersweet symphony title, I intend to post songs in this blog that will reflect on my present state of mind and heart. There are numerous songs out there that reflects one's feelings and emotions. And if there would be one I guess for me today, I will still adopt the song that my best friend dedicated to me. They are songs by Sara Bareilles (?). My best friend said that it is truly applicable to me--especially the song Gravity. I've read the lyrics and I must say, somehow it seems to have been written for me. Nonetheless, the message of the song doesnt affect me. For even though I am hurting and in my mind I tell myself that I shouldnt be hurt, I couldnt stop myself from loving. It feels so bittersweet, the feeling of loving someone is bittersweet. Your heart is filled with a gamut of emotions--from happiness to remorse and sorrow. And yet, whenever negative feelings control you, you cannot just stop. I cannot just stop. I have told myself I will let go and move on and yet nothing happens. I am in a circuitous play, always coming back to him and him alone. Even though I promise I wouldnt do any effort in being there for him and doing things for him, I lose control still and do what I can to make him happy. And its sad because I am becoming a martyr and he might not be really realizing my worth and the things I do for him. But it is also happy because its expressing what I truly feel and the memories of his eyes shining with happiness whenever I show thoughtfulness. It is truly amazing and yet it is perplexing. I dont know honestly where to place myself. I am not asking him anything in exchange but of course, there would always be the need for affirmation and appreciation. And I rather see that he doesnt feel anything for me rather than continue to place me in a circle going round and round--in a limbo where he is undecided if he loves me too or not...