Friday, February 25, 2011
Rejection
I beg to ask, was there a time you felt rejected and unlikeable? That after the efforts you have done to please someone, you are still unliked or not noticed? Sometimes, it strikes a chord and blows against my self-esteem and confidence. Just like now. Even if it is just for the sake of flirting, I hinted to this guy (who coincidentally is like you) to have dinner with me. Just because. But he is not replying anymore. I know he is in an interview but then again, thoughts afloat. The numerous instances of being disappointed haunt me still. And primarily, without directly doing it, the disappointment and rejection you made me feel.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Run to you
Reality checked in again last night. As much as sometimes your presence in my mind is appreciated, the actuality is I cannot get hold of you anymore and all I would rely on is the fragments of memories I have of you, it's like a persona of you existing inside me. I really cannot say if this is creepy or not but in my mind, you live and breathe.
You may have noticed that I called you last night and like every other instance, you don't answer my call and think it is alright to do so. What is it again, I need to understand that your busy yada yada yada? Anyway, just for you to know since I cannot really say it to you personally, I was crying..no let me rephrase that, I was sobbing last night and I was trying to get in touch with you because I thought I could talk to someone like you but obviously I was wrong. That will not happen even if I wished to be. You are selfish like that. You think you are the busiest and problematic person in the world. Hey, Mr. Atlas, some people have more problems than you and sometimes, your friends need you. Having work loads and office work are not excuses to not answer your phone or reject your calls (which you often do which effing pisses me off). And to top it off, I am the stupidier one because notwithstanding your Atlas-esque personality, I still love you and try to understand. Awwww....NOT!
Okay that rant aside, as I said I was trying to call you because I needed someone to talk to. It was the first time I ran out of the house due to excessive anger, frustration and depression. I wanted to run away and hit my car into something. Either that or just get into a brawl and kill someone. That was how heavy it was for me to deal yesterday. That after a shitty effing day in the office, I am suddenly confronted with a proud and ignominious father who asks me of advice then makes me feel shit afterwards. Why he does that still befuddles me but what I can say for now is that I am frustrated and want to shout at the top of my lungs. Don't ask me if at the end, you will just shut me down and let me eat those foul words of yours. Even if you have raised me as your child you have no fucking right to demean me and make me feel less than a person which I am. You might be my parent but in no way do you have any right to do what you do because if in case it is that pride of yours that is hurting, then talk to me and ask for my help. Do it on your own because even if you are my father, you act like a douche bag and an uneducated bastard. How insensitive and ungrateful you are. You do not even care that I am hurt by what you do that even in my own office, being bombarded with deadlines, I still found time to assist you and this is how I am repayed. Fuck this world if that is the case. I went to church hoping that everything would be better and it did actually until you ruined it more for me. Thanks a lot. You have again showed me how appreciated and helpful I am in other places. You appreciate me?! Who are you kidding? Those who appreciate know how to listen. You don't so shut the hell up and leave me alone...
Somehow I felt relieved my brother accompanied me in the dark and lonely state I was feeling. It was the least I can do after not being able to reach you. Like the dead of night, I was swallowed in darkness as I sat inside my car and wailed to my heart's despair. I really feel hurt. And it did not help that of my shortlist of people I wanted to confide in, my number 1 person was and continuously is unavailable.
You may have noticed that I called you last night and like every other instance, you don't answer my call and think it is alright to do so. What is it again, I need to understand that your busy yada yada yada? Anyway, just for you to know since I cannot really say it to you personally, I was crying..no let me rephrase that, I was sobbing last night and I was trying to get in touch with you because I thought I could talk to someone like you but obviously I was wrong. That will not happen even if I wished to be. You are selfish like that. You think you are the busiest and problematic person in the world. Hey, Mr. Atlas, some people have more problems than you and sometimes, your friends need you. Having work loads and office work are not excuses to not answer your phone or reject your calls (which you often do which effing pisses me off). And to top it off, I am the stupidier one because notwithstanding your Atlas-esque personality, I still love you and try to understand. Awwww....NOT!
Okay that rant aside, as I said I was trying to call you because I needed someone to talk to. It was the first time I ran out of the house due to excessive anger, frustration and depression. I wanted to run away and hit my car into something. Either that or just get into a brawl and kill someone. That was how heavy it was for me to deal yesterday. That after a shitty effing day in the office, I am suddenly confronted with a proud and ignominious father who asks me of advice then makes me feel shit afterwards. Why he does that still befuddles me but what I can say for now is that I am frustrated and want to shout at the top of my lungs. Don't ask me if at the end, you will just shut me down and let me eat those foul words of yours. Even if you have raised me as your child you have no fucking right to demean me and make me feel less than a person which I am. You might be my parent but in no way do you have any right to do what you do because if in case it is that pride of yours that is hurting, then talk to me and ask for my help. Do it on your own because even if you are my father, you act like a douche bag and an uneducated bastard. How insensitive and ungrateful you are. You do not even care that I am hurt by what you do that even in my own office, being bombarded with deadlines, I still found time to assist you and this is how I am repayed. Fuck this world if that is the case. I went to church hoping that everything would be better and it did actually until you ruined it more for me. Thanks a lot. You have again showed me how appreciated and helpful I am in other places. You appreciate me?! Who are you kidding? Those who appreciate know how to listen. You don't so shut the hell up and leave me alone...
Somehow I felt relieved my brother accompanied me in the dark and lonely state I was feeling. It was the least I can do after not being able to reach you. Like the dead of night, I was swallowed in darkness as I sat inside my car and wailed to my heart's despair. I really feel hurt. And it did not help that of my shortlist of people I wanted to confide in, my number 1 person was and continuously is unavailable.
Encouragement
Are memories a choice or are they an automatic integration to one's system, no matter how good or bad they are?
I am just asking because sometimes I know I conscientiously remind myself of the times we've spent together (even as friends or "boylet" as some would say) but more often than not, places and occurences just serve as triggers to well-hidden and hopefully forgotten memories of you.
That aside, I just want to share that I felt like shit just a few hours ago. Maybe I am just adjusting and maybe it is the real world shouting out to me, but it is kind of depressing to think that you are being a letdown. I think we are the same in this department, we don't want to be letdowns to anyone especially to those who expect highly from us. And speaking of which, I really dont want to be a letdown to my current employer who handpicked me above the rest because supposedly, he has high regards to what I have done while being a student. Sometimes I fear not being able to meet his standards and it is quite depressing..no, make that really depressing. And even if he does not say it out loud, I feel he often times become frustrated or disappointed over my boo-boos. And though the same are not that many, because often times, I overcompensate for the tasks handed down to me, those 1-2% faults erase your previous achievements or "good job" comments. Like what some people would say, you are as good as your last job. But then again, maybe I am just frustrated and entertain these thoughts because I hate to disappoint. I hate not to be able to please those people with high expectations of me. In other words, I don't want to fail. But reality check as well. Most likely, you will tell me that we are meant to fail at least one point of our lives right? So what are you going to do about it? Not everyday is Christmas day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you like a conscience stuck in my brain. That is when you once again surface. Your words in the past serve as a constant reminder and halts me before I start sobbing. I totally agree, seriously. But indeed, reminders are there for people who tend to forget and I do forget sometimes especially when emotions flood in...
Good thing I got over quickly the depressing state a while ago. Jump back to my feet. And even if we don't talk that much due to our hectic schedules, I am still thankful because my memory of you still remains in my mind and it seems you are just here beside me, reminding and encouraging me of what I ought to do. Sometimes, it is hurtful to be reminded of you because of the sadness that comes with it but sometimes, it is also helpful and encouraging. It is like I always have you with me, though it may be bittersweet.
Lastly, I want to say I want to see you soon. I miss you my friend. No one compares to the comfort and safety I feel when I am around you...
I am just asking because sometimes I know I conscientiously remind myself of the times we've spent together (even as friends or "boylet" as some would say) but more often than not, places and occurences just serve as triggers to well-hidden and hopefully forgotten memories of you.
That aside, I just want to share that I felt like shit just a few hours ago. Maybe I am just adjusting and maybe it is the real world shouting out to me, but it is kind of depressing to think that you are being a letdown. I think we are the same in this department, we don't want to be letdowns to anyone especially to those who expect highly from us. And speaking of which, I really dont want to be a letdown to my current employer who handpicked me above the rest because supposedly, he has high regards to what I have done while being a student. Sometimes I fear not being able to meet his standards and it is quite depressing..no, make that really depressing. And even if he does not say it out loud, I feel he often times become frustrated or disappointed over my boo-boos. And though the same are not that many, because often times, I overcompensate for the tasks handed down to me, those 1-2% faults erase your previous achievements or "good job" comments. Like what some people would say, you are as good as your last job. But then again, maybe I am just frustrated and entertain these thoughts because I hate to disappoint. I hate not to be able to please those people with high expectations of me. In other words, I don't want to fail. But reality check as well. Most likely, you will tell me that we are meant to fail at least one point of our lives right? So what are you going to do about it? Not everyday is Christmas day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you like a conscience stuck in my brain. That is when you once again surface. Your words in the past serve as a constant reminder and halts me before I start sobbing. I totally agree, seriously. But indeed, reminders are there for people who tend to forget and I do forget sometimes especially when emotions flood in...
Good thing I got over quickly the depressing state a while ago. Jump back to my feet. And even if we don't talk that much due to our hectic schedules, I am still thankful because my memory of you still remains in my mind and it seems you are just here beside me, reminding and encouraging me of what I ought to do. Sometimes, it is hurtful to be reminded of you because of the sadness that comes with it but sometimes, it is also helpful and encouraging. It is like I always have you with me, though it may be bittersweet.
Lastly, I want to say I want to see you soon. I miss you my friend. No one compares to the comfort and safety I feel when I am around you...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Taylor Swift
During the weekend, I reluctantly watched the Taylor Swift concert. It was fun while it lasted, but my legs were sore and gooey afterwards. Funny because the crowd were mostly kids, who some were even with their nannies toting them around. Gosh. I would give life and limb to be in those yayas' position, having privileged enough to have a VIP seat while I withered away in an Upper Box B, standing room only.
That aside, before the concert itself, my companion and I killed time in the nearby mall. And peculiarly, I was reminded of you. What's new right? There is rarely a day that passes by when I don't encounter something that reminds me of you. Did we share so much fond memories that it is so hard to detach myself with them that I beg to ask, is the love that remains only a love of the memories or the love of the man? That, I don't know how to answer honestly. Anyway, I was there in the mall as mentioned and while strolling, I remember that that was the 2nd time I stepped into that mall, the first being with you and a friend. Do you still remember we had to go to a wake of someone before? It was so far away and I wasn't allowed to bring a car just yet. Then vague circumstances in between, you asked if I wanted to watch a movie, or something like that. Problem though is going home. My house is too far away, you said. So as a compromise of sorts, you will bring me home to my condo unit, to which I agreed on. But since you had to meet some people first in the mall I was talking about, you tagged me along. I still remember the Taco Bell. We had snacks there right? Afterwards, you left me alone with our friend while you went into official business.
Thinking about that, I am not sure now if I was elated or somewhere in between. We watched a horror movie, the three of us and funny because our friend said he was the third wheel then. I guess that was the first and maybe last time we will do something like that, right? And being in the mall...that mall, struck me because it was a place we shared.
That aside, before the concert itself, my companion and I killed time in the nearby mall. And peculiarly, I was reminded of you. What's new right? There is rarely a day that passes by when I don't encounter something that reminds me of you. Did we share so much fond memories that it is so hard to detach myself with them that I beg to ask, is the love that remains only a love of the memories or the love of the man? That, I don't know how to answer honestly. Anyway, I was there in the mall as mentioned and while strolling, I remember that that was the 2nd time I stepped into that mall, the first being with you and a friend. Do you still remember we had to go to a wake of someone before? It was so far away and I wasn't allowed to bring a car just yet. Then vague circumstances in between, you asked if I wanted to watch a movie, or something like that. Problem though is going home. My house is too far away, you said. So as a compromise of sorts, you will bring me home to my condo unit, to which I agreed on. But since you had to meet some people first in the mall I was talking about, you tagged me along. I still remember the Taco Bell. We had snacks there right? Afterwards, you left me alone with our friend while you went into official business.
Thinking about that, I am not sure now if I was elated or somewhere in between. We watched a horror movie, the three of us and funny because our friend said he was the third wheel then. I guess that was the first and maybe last time we will do something like that, right? And being in the mall...that mall, struck me because it was a place we shared.
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